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| Photo Cred: April Vernon Photography |
- I have fed and changed an eight-week old little girl every two to three hours almost solely on my own.
- You see, my amazing husband works the twelve-hour night shift leaving me home alone for 20+ hours a day for multiple days in a row. But please know, that when Joey is home and not farming, he is the most wonderful and supportive Daddy and I could not ask for a better man to help raise my babies!
- While doing those feedings, I have managed to entertain a nineteen month old with my “spare” hand. I can apparently use one hand to have a tickle fight, bring toys to life, or just gently rub her back while watching a show. But when my spare hand doesn’t do the trick, Mya (the nineteen month old) tends to be struck with life-threatening hunger until her little sister, Lila, has finished her bottle.
- I have put two girls down for naps and done the bedtime routine alone, all while trying very hard to make sure no cries wake up their exhausted Daddy.
- I have spent more time in the past week bathing the bodies of little girls than I have my own.
- I can’t remember the last time I ate a meal when someone wasn’t crying.
- I have taken my sweet girls to worship and a Gospel meeting on my own three times (but thankfully, I found great help from my aunt and their grandparents!) and two other times when Joey was able to come.
- I have screamed and cried in the living room when I was overwhelmed and then had to apologize to my innocent children for breaking down.
- I have eaten dinner most nights around 10:30pm because it was the first moment I was able to.
- I have been interrupted during every. single. task. I have started. (While writing this, I have drawn pictures with Mya, soothed a crying baby, held Mya after she fell out of a chair, cleaned up the disaster she made in the kitchen, fed Lila, given Mya a bath, and put them both to bed.)
- I have been alone only twice and both times I was going to Walmart.
- I have done at least one load of laundry a day, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed our awful floors at least twice, taken care of the dishes, made meals, and the list goes on...
- I have felt lonely, guilty, disappointed, overwhelmed, and inadequate for this awesome responsibility.
You see, I’m a mess. I rarely get
to feel like an adult and I almost never get to experience any identity other
than Mommy. Sometimes, I wish I was teaching high school like I planned.
Sometimes, I wish I was working retail just to leave the house alone! But then
I have a moment. A moment when I look down at the sweet newborn in my arms as
she pauses during her feeding, just to smile at me. Or when I am crawling
across the floor playing with Mya and she giggles at my silly voices and animal
sounds. Now let’s look at the real highlights of my week:
- I have been the first one my little girls have seen every morning. I get their first smiles, giggles and cuddles.
- I have gotten to smush little Lila’s precious, chubby cheeks against my own each time I’ve put her to sleep.
- I introduced Mya to her very first goat and donkey. I was able to see her eyes light up as they ate straw out of her hands and she gibbered in excitement.
- I watched as my husband settled into the couch with each of his girls in his arms.
- I have listened to Mya happily ramble on each night in her crib.
- I have rocked on the front porch while singing hymns to Lila and watching Mya explore like it was the first time.
- I have been jumped on, had my hair played with, heard Mya learn brand new words, and have seen Lila be mesmerized by the mobile for the first time.
- I have felt fulfilled, joyful, silly, content, and blessed.
You see, I’m the lucky one. I get
to be around for every sweet and sour moment of my girls’ lives. No one sent me
a picture of Lila’s first smile, I made her do it! I didn’t get a video of Mya attempting
to dance to Frozen, I got up and danced with her. My God has allowed me to be
here and soak in every moment. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t times I need
to run away because there definitely are times that I do… as a matter of fact,
I texted my own Mama in a panic not four hours ago because I felt so defeated.
But I am learning each day to use those inspiring moments as a balm for those
that wound my soul. I want to remember how grateful I am to have the chance to devotedly
raise my children and make our house into a home, even on days when I think I’d
rather be doing almost anything else.
