Stay-at-Home Mom #realtalk

Photo Cred: April Vernon Photography

I am a stay at home wife and mother and there are days that I want nothing more than to run away. I know, that’s awful, right? But let’s review the highlights of my past week:

•      I have fed and changed an eight-week old little girl every two to three hours almost solely on my own.
•      You see, my amazing husband works the twelve-hour night shift leaving me home alone for 20+ hours a day for multiple days in a row. But please know, that when Joey is home and not farming, he is the most wonderful and supportive Daddy and I could not ask for a better man to help raise my babies!
•     While doing those feedings, I have managed to entertain a nineteen month old with my “spare” hand. I can apparently use one hand to have a tickle fight, bring toys to life, or just gently rub her back while watching a show. But when my spare hand doesn’t do the trick, Mya (the nineteen month old) tends to be struck with life-threatening hunger until her little sister, Lila, has finished her bottle.
•      I have put two girls down for naps and done the bedtime routine alone, all while trying very hard to make sure no cries wake up their exhausted Daddy.
•      I have spent more time in the past week bathing the bodies of little girls than I have my own.
•     I can’t remember the last time I ate a meal when someone wasn’t crying.
•      I have taken my sweet girls to worship and a Gospel meeting on my own three times (but thankfully, I found great help from my aunt and their grandparents!) and two other times when Joey was able to come.
•      I have screamed and cried in the living room when I was overwhelmed and then had to apologize to my innocent children for breaking down.
•      I have eaten dinner most nights around 10:30pm because it was the first moment I was able to.
•      I have been interrupted during every. single. task. I have started. (While writing this, I have drawn pictures with Mya, soothed a crying baby, held Mya after she fell out of a chair, cleaned up the disaster she made in the kitchen, fed Lila, given Mya a bath, and put them both to bed.)
•      I have been alone only twice and both times I was going to Walmart.
•      I have done at least one load of laundry a day, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed our awful floors at least twice, taken care of the dishes, made meals, and the list goes on...
•      I have felt lonely, guilty, disappointed, overwhelmed, and inadequate for this awesome responsibility.

You see, I’m a mess. I rarely get to feel like an adult and I almost never get to experience any identity other than Mommy. Sometimes, I wish I was teaching high school like I planned. Sometimes, I wish I was working retail just to leave the house alone! But then I have a moment. A moment when I look down at the sweet newborn in my arms as she pauses during her feeding, just to smile at me. Or when I am crawling across the floor playing with Mya and she giggles at my silly voices and animal sounds. Now let’s look at the real highlights of my week:

•     I have been the first one my little girls have seen every morning. I get their first smiles, giggles and cuddles.
•      I have gotten to smush little Lila’s precious, chubby cheeks against my own each time I’ve put her to sleep.
•      I introduced Mya to her very first goat and donkey. I was able to see her eyes light up as they ate straw out of her hands and she gibbered in excitement.
•      I watched as my husband settled into the couch with each of his girls in his arms.
•      I have listened to Mya happily ramble on each night in her crib.
•      I have rocked on the front porch while singing hymns to Lila and watching Mya explore like it was the first time.
•      I have been jumped on, had my hair played with, heard Mya learn brand new words, and have seen Lila be mesmerized by the mobile for the first time.
•      I have felt fulfilled, joyful, silly, content, and blessed.

You see, I’m the lucky one. I get to be around for every sweet and sour moment of my girls’ lives. No one sent me a picture of Lila’s first smile, I made her do it! I didn’t get a video of Mya attempting to dance to Frozen, I got up and danced with her. My God has allowed me to be here and soak in every moment. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t times I need to run away because there definitely are times that I do… as a matter of fact, I texted my own Mama in a panic not four hours ago because I felt so defeated. But I am learning each day to use those inspiring moments as a balm for those that wound my soul. I want to remember how grateful I am to have the chance to devotedly raise my children and make our house into a home, even on days when I think I’d rather be doing almost anything else.