Stay-at-Home Mom #realtalk

Photo Cred: April Vernon Photography

I am a stay at home wife and mother and there are days that I want nothing more than to run away. I know, that’s awful, right? But let’s review the highlights of my past week:

•      I have fed and changed an eight-week old little girl every two to three hours almost solely on my own.
•      You see, my amazing husband works the twelve-hour night shift leaving me home alone for 20+ hours a day for multiple days in a row. But please know, that when Joey is home and not farming, he is the most wonderful and supportive Daddy and I could not ask for a better man to help raise my babies!
•     While doing those feedings, I have managed to entertain a nineteen month old with my “spare” hand. I can apparently use one hand to have a tickle fight, bring toys to life, or just gently rub her back while watching a show. But when my spare hand doesn’t do the trick, Mya (the nineteen month old) tends to be struck with life-threatening hunger until her little sister, Lila, has finished her bottle.
•      I have put two girls down for naps and done the bedtime routine alone, all while trying very hard to make sure no cries wake up their exhausted Daddy.
•      I have spent more time in the past week bathing the bodies of little girls than I have my own.
•     I can’t remember the last time I ate a meal when someone wasn’t crying.
•      I have taken my sweet girls to worship and a Gospel meeting on my own three times (but thankfully, I found great help from my aunt and their grandparents!) and two other times when Joey was able to come.
•      I have screamed and cried in the living room when I was overwhelmed and then had to apologize to my innocent children for breaking down.
•      I have eaten dinner most nights around 10:30pm because it was the first moment I was able to.
•      I have been interrupted during every. single. task. I have started. (While writing this, I have drawn pictures with Mya, soothed a crying baby, held Mya after she fell out of a chair, cleaned up the disaster she made in the kitchen, fed Lila, given Mya a bath, and put them both to bed.)
•      I have been alone only twice and both times I was going to Walmart.
•      I have done at least one load of laundry a day, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed our awful floors at least twice, taken care of the dishes, made meals, and the list goes on...
•      I have felt lonely, guilty, disappointed, overwhelmed, and inadequate for this awesome responsibility.

You see, I’m a mess. I rarely get to feel like an adult and I almost never get to experience any identity other than Mommy. Sometimes, I wish I was teaching high school like I planned. Sometimes, I wish I was working retail just to leave the house alone! But then I have a moment. A moment when I look down at the sweet newborn in my arms as she pauses during her feeding, just to smile at me. Or when I am crawling across the floor playing with Mya and she giggles at my silly voices and animal sounds. Now let’s look at the real highlights of my week:

•     I have been the first one my little girls have seen every morning. I get their first smiles, giggles and cuddles.
•      I have gotten to smush little Lila’s precious, chubby cheeks against my own each time I’ve put her to sleep.
•      I introduced Mya to her very first goat and donkey. I was able to see her eyes light up as they ate straw out of her hands and she gibbered in excitement.
•      I watched as my husband settled into the couch with each of his girls in his arms.
•      I have listened to Mya happily ramble on each night in her crib.
•      I have rocked on the front porch while singing hymns to Lila and watching Mya explore like it was the first time.
•      I have been jumped on, had my hair played with, heard Mya learn brand new words, and have seen Lila be mesmerized by the mobile for the first time.
•      I have felt fulfilled, joyful, silly, content, and blessed.

You see, I’m the lucky one. I get to be around for every sweet and sour moment of my girls’ lives. No one sent me a picture of Lila’s first smile, I made her do it! I didn’t get a video of Mya attempting to dance to Frozen, I got up and danced with her. My God has allowed me to be here and soak in every moment. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t times I need to run away because there definitely are times that I do… as a matter of fact, I texted my own Mama in a panic not four hours ago because I felt so defeated. But I am learning each day to use those inspiring moments as a balm for those that wound my soul. I want to remember how grateful I am to have the chance to devotedly raise my children and make our house into a home, even on days when I think I’d rather be doing almost anything else.  

How Great Thou Art!

How Great Thou Art

O Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder

Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made,

I see that stars,

I hear the rolling thunder,

Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

And when I think that God,

His Son not sparing, sent Him to die,

I scarce can take it in;

That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,

He bled and died to take away my sin;

Then sings my soul,

My Savior God to Thee;

How great Thou art,

How great Thou art!

Then sings my soul, 

My Savior God to Thee;

How great Thou art,

How great Thou art!

By: Stuart Hine

This is one of my absolute favorite songs. I wanted to share this song with you because it has been on my heart lately. As life starts to spring from the earth I find myself in constant awe of God's Creation. The imagination and sheer beauty that is evident in everything He made is stunning. It's certainly enough to make me stop and worship. To make me stand in silence with a grateful smile on my face as I listen to the birds sing and watch the buds sprout from the trees. God's universe is truly beyond words. His magnitude and power overcome any words that I could use to describe them. 

I was doing a personal Bible study the other night from the book, Crazy Love, and while I do not agree with everything that is presented by Francis Chan, I can certainly appreciate many of his wonderful thoughts. One particular point that struck me was when Chan took a moment to point out how even a simple laugh is evidence of the All-Mighty God. His attention to the smallest of details and how the enrich our lives gives us a glimpse of His capacity for love and compassion. Even as I write this I can think of loved ones whose laughs bring me so much joy. Like my brother, a 24 year old burly man who absolutely giggles like a little girl if you can get him going. Or my Aunt Kaye who has a laugh that gets everyone's attentions and is truly infectious. And my husband whose laugh melts my heart in every time I hear it. What a small and awesome thing that God gave us to express joy and to give joy. 

I am so thankful to know the one and true living God and I am so thankful to be able to share Him with you. I hope that you understand that God loves you so much that He gave His Son. He made it possible for you to spend eternity with Him. The door is open and He is waiting with open arms; waiting for you. If you want to know more about the Creator, if you want to give your life to Him and find forgiveness for your sins through baptism, then please do not wait one more moment; we are not promised another. The Bible gives us all of the guidance we need to find the forgiveness we crave and the relationship we need to lead us to an eternity with Him. Begin your journey today. So that together, you and I can sing:

When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation

And take me home,

What joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow in humble adoration 

And there proclaim, my God, how great Thou art!

One of my favorite versions of the song!

God meant it for good.

As I've already shared with many people today, April is Child Abuse Awareness (Prevention) Month. Which makes it an open platform for me to talk about the reality and prevalence of child abuse; an almost untouchable subject. For many years now I have been invited to speak or do programs during this month in an effort to get the word out and share my own personal story. This will be the first year that I have not been invited somewhere and it's wearing on my heart... not because I need a stage but because child abuse does.

I am a survivor of sexual child abuse. For many years when I shared my story I couldn't bring myself to mouth the word "sexual" because I thought that it would change the way people saw me. I thought they'd look at me the way that I used to look at myself. As someone disgusting, ugly, and dirty. I realize now that I can own my experience without shame. I am not disgusting, ugly, or dirty and no one will ever have the power to make me feel that way again. This strength and new-found self worth are feelings that I wish I could sow into a the stitches of a quilt and spread over the earth. If everyone knew their own value, in God's eyes... well, that might just change everything.

I have been physically free for 15 years now and emotionally free for about 6 and I can't possibly express how amazing it is to shed those shackles and break down those walls. But with each breath of liberating air I take in, I must think of those who are still suffocating. There are millions of children across our nation and on our earth who are physically, emotionally, sexually, or mentally abused and neglected each day. In most cases children are abused at the hands of someone they know and should be able to trust. I was abused by my own father. The one person in this world that I should be able to trust the most, scarred my for life. It is heart breaking to admit these truths because we don't want them to be reality. We want to believe that parents and other family members/friends would never hurt an innocent child but in some cases, we would simply be wrong. We have to protect God's children.

This month is a time for claiming victory and celebrating freedom. This month is a time for taking off life's blinders and finding ways to make a difference. Speak out. Share your own story. Never stop talking. Abuse thrives in silence, it grows and manifests itself in the shadows. We have to bring it into the light. For many years I have shared my story and it has never failed that I would receive at least one response from another survivor. Abuse is much more common than we care to admit. I know that 1/4 of the people who read this are likely to be survivors themselves and that is entirely too sad. Don't let the pattern continue, let it end with you.

Each day I will wear my blue ribbon to declare my freedom to the world and to demand that we work together to end the cycle. I hope that you will join me. If you see me around you can be sure that I've got a roll of ribbon and scissors handy so just ask--I have plenty to share. There is hope for you and there is hope for the world. I believe in a God who can use our pain to create beauty. Just like Joseph in Genesis Chapter 50, I can say that my father meant it for evil but God meant it for good.

And now, as always, I will end with my family's story:

My sister was 13, my brother was 9, and I was 6 when we the abuse finally ended. My beautiful, strong, and loving sister had always protected me and for those first few years she sacrificed herself in an attempt to spare her siblings. But when she discovered that she was not alone in her abuse, Jessica found the courage within herself to tell what our father had done. He was taken away and the long legal process began. One day after coming home from Grand Jury we were all spending some time in our playroom. On the wall we had a white board and my sister had written the exclamation “I am free!” in flowing letters. My brother, unable to read cursive, asked my grandmother what was on the board. After learning what it said, Caleb walked up to the board and erased the word “I”. In its place he wrote “We”, the board now read “We am free!” And that statement says it all.

Loving our children... a message to myself: a future Mama

I want to begin this message by saying that I am young, only 21, I have only been married for about a year and a half, and I know that I still have so much to learn. I also want to say that I reserve the right to change my mind about anything that I say in this post... or any where else. I had a professor once who said,

 "You cannot use any one moment to define who a person is; we are in a process, constantly growing, and changing." -Jeff Pool

I thought this was a such a brilliant thought and one that we really need to try and internalize because we so often decide the character, intentions, and morals of a person based on one interaction and as a human who changes her mind constantly, I must say that's not fair. But let me get back to my message... my reason for taking time away from homework to write a post. 

I was inspired to write this message after two more lovely babies were brought into the world, my life, and my family. I have looked at lovely photos, held innocent hands, and listened to tiny whimpers that seem to break down and build up your heart all at the same time. Each and every time I hold one of my many nephews or play with one of my adorable nieces, my heart aches for one of my own. (And to those who may be tempted: This is not an invitation for a lecture on waiting! Haha) I am so excited to be a mother. I am so excited to raise up a precious child, to teach them about God's love, to watch them learn and discover this amazing world. There is so much beauty in being young and while it's easy to miss as a child, I can see it clearly as an adult. 

But as I've previously said, I don't have any children yet. I haven't personally experienced the challenges, the pressures, and the changes that come with children so I know that there's a lot I can't understand yet. However, one thing I do know and can confidently say is that our children need to be loved. And if we think about what love actually is than this thought means so much more than what the world says it does. 

Firstly, loving our children means that we show them the Truth. We talk about, worship, and live for God all of the time. But it's important that our children not only be told these things but shown them. One of the best ways to teach someone something new is to model it for them. We display what we'd like from and for them by being examples of those things. For example, if you want your child to be healthy then you need to lead a healthy life... you must eat correctly, exercise, and put time into caring for your body. (Yes, I'm talking to myself now and myself in the future with this example.) This is exactly what we must do to show our children the Truth and to show them how we can live as living sacrificing for the One who sacrificed it all.

Loving our children also means that we discipline them. We show them the differences in right and wrong and we instill in them the desire for what's good. We show them what God expects from us, and with time and maturity, they will desire to be pleasing to Him. When they disobey then there must be consequences. We are preparing them for their relationship with God as well as with the world. If our children become adults believing that they are entitled and untouchable then it will be impossible for them to please God. They must be able to humble themselves, apologize, grow, and move on. We teach our children these skills if we discipline them correctly and consistently. We are failing our kids when we fail to discipline. 

Loving our children also means that we give them what they need and not what we need. Many of us have pieces of personal histories that hurt... that scarred us deeply. Our experiences affect our decisions and our relationships. Many times if we were hurt deeply, then we become obsessed with trying to protect our children from that same hurt, all the while, inadvertently hurting them in a new way. One of the best skills that we can have in this life is the ability to honestly and constantly self-reflect. We have to be able to evaluate our motivations. I need to be able to look back on any given day and explain why I made particular choices; if I don't like my reasoning then I need to fix it. We all make mistakes and we definitely will as parents, but we have to be humble enough to admit them, apologize if necessary, and then work to change. We cannot, nor should we, live our ideal lives through our children. They ought to have the opportunity to live their own. 

And lastly, loving our children means letting them be children. Please, let your children get dirty, let them color a picture outside of the lines, let them watch a silly movie, and let them play with other kids. Think about it, our childhood is the only time in our lives that we get to experience real innocence and a light-heartedness. Don't take that away from your children... life will do that on its own. Instead of forcing our kids to be little adults let them show you cool bugs, dance around in a princess dress, and let them discover.

There are so many more things that I could have added and maybe you think that I've left out something crucial... share it with me,  I wanna learn! As I said before, I'm not a mom yet and I know that there are so many small and difficult details that I know nothing about but these were just a few things that I do know. I hope that you were encouraged and that you will spend some time self-reflecting. I hope that you will think about the things that you want for your child in this life and that you consider whether or not your choices are helping or hindering. And I hope that one day this message will serve me as an important reminder of what I want for my own children. 

Time.

Time doesn't stop for anyone... last week we celebrated Joey's 20th birthday and this weekend we celebrate my best friend's 21st, I just registered for my junior year of college, and I have been married for 10 months already. I can't believe it! Time is flying by and I really realized that while time is precious and we must cherish it, we must also be sure that we do not allow it to hinder us.

I found this quote while 'wasting' my time on Pinterest and I think it is really appropriate.

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway."
-Earl Nightingale

This concept... that time shouldn't be a factor because time continues whether you consider it or not... was new to me. But how profound, how differently we might live if we are willing to think about life and our dreams in this way. If we allow ourselves to pursue what we know may take a lifetime to accomplish then we will likely lead a meaningful life.

And for me in this time in my life when I am striving for fitness this concept seemed especially appropriate. You see, remodeling does not happen overnight... if we want to remodel our home then we must draw up plans, ask questions, get guidance, and then do it one day at a time. The same can be said for remodeling of our bodies, minds, emotions, etc.

My wellness professor has recently introduced me to the idea that I cannot reasonably expect to transform my body in a matter of six months. He believes that this takes years of effort to truly remodel and I agree. Which means that I need to begin to remodel how I think about remodeling my body.

I am currently a perfect reflection of every choice that I make. All the food I eat or don't eat, the exercise that I do or don't do... everything about my life is mirrored back to me and the sooner I recognize and internalize, the sooner I will begin truly remodeling. I have to work for a slow and steady effort rather than expecting a Cinderella experience.

These are just some of the thoughts that I have been churning... I hope you find them beneficial as well.

Shine Always,

Shelby Jean

This Journey...

I love my life... I love everything about it. It's not always easy but I've found that it is always worth it. God is so active in my life and I feel so blessed to have the Shepherd leading me each day.

I recently went on a hiking trip with my husband and some friends, it was a wonderful day. We laughed and soaked in God's creation. We were on top of the world for just a little while but it was long enough... just long enough to keep me floating above the surface when we got home.

I documented the day and I couldn't see myself in the photos. I was lost under layers of bad choices and I was stunned. 

I had no idea that this had happened... I don't remember it happening. But who does? I sat and stared at this image that was supposedly of my face, of my stomach, of my legs... my body. I just couldn't believe it. I've clearly lost control. I cried out to Joey and he came. He didn't understand... and how could he? He is not lost. He just looked at me and said, "It's not that bad." He was sweet and I could see that he loved me despite these decisions I've made for myself. 

He walked away but I couldn't move. My hand covering my gaping mouth as tears rolled down my cheeks. I had noticed that things weren't like they used to be but I honestly had no idea.

I mourned the health that I once had and the time that I had wasted but only for a moment. I knew that if I wallowed in my hurt and disappointment that I would not be able to move. So I stood up looked at myself in the mirror and took it in. I acknowledged that this is where I am and I can ignore it no longer. This right now, is my reality. I can no longer run from it. I must face where I've come and work to make it better. 

I've made a commitment to myself to love my body, first as it is now because you can not care for yourself if you do not love yourself first. So this is me...

But this is only me yesterday, it is not me today or tomorrow... or ever again. Praise God for this reminder and praise God that it came when I was ready to hear it. 

Shine Always,

Shelby Jean

So about that...

Recently life has been a whirlwind of changes, activities, and adjustments. Now, it would seem that things aren't much different from how they used to be but that's not true. For starters, all I wanna do is sleep. Now, what's that about? I have no idea and it drives me crazy. I'm seem to be exhausted constantly which is not making homework too easy to complete. I'm assuming this is normal (cause that makes me feel better!) and that it will get better. Guess we'll see....:)

But more importantly I have also been dealing with some separation from God. I haven't been leaning on Him like I have in the past and I miss Him. God noticed and He didn't want me to slip away without a fight so this is what He did. Let me take ya back to the beginning of this plan... last year when my friend and I were having Bible studies together we saw she needed a new Bible so we went looking. She had recently been using a version of the Bible that is more of an interpretation than a translation so I introduced her to the NKJV. We looked at multiple Bibles and settled on a Women's Study Bible that we both fell in love with. I talked to my mother about buying one for myself but the Bible was just too expensive at the time and so I put that thought away. More recently, my roommate and I were studying some passages together and I looked over at her Bible to help and realized that she also had... wait for it... the Women's Study Bible!! I went on to tell her how much I loved that version and hoped to get one some day and then I just thought that conversation was over. Well last Friday I went to my mail box and I had a package to pick up. "Well this is weird... can't be from mama, I'm gonna see her in just a bit... hmmm" (My thoughts went something like that...) Anyshway, I picked it up and noticed that there was no return name just an address from my hometown. I opened it and tears immidately came to my eyes. A brand new copy of the Women's Study Bible and it had my name engraved. I've never had a Bible with my name on it... I could have collapsed right there. My friends had tried to send it secretly but unfortunately (for them) I had never told anyone else I wanted it so... well I just put two and two together.

I was moved by their Christian generosity. And their kindness will shine in my life forever. Praise God. Praise God for He knew what I needed and that this act of goodness would push me to grow, to be better. Now I will shine brighter because Jesus shone in them.

Shine Always,

ShelbyJean